If I do not get the hint - I cannot blame, you.

Sitting in a red dress, waiting for the one.

Made-up for no one to see.

You played the piano for me.

The guitar and violin too.

Pity I never paid any attention to you.

*These are headlines in my diaries. Photos kept in a wooden box. A box whose key has long been lost.

Mono sexualism.

For someone who is in love with the idea of love, I'm a cynic. Late night conversations and even earlier mornings out the window? Not my style. I have done these things. With style. No walk of shame. At least none that I know of. This heart, once real, was that of a lady.

The metal one - well, this heart is a lady by definition.

At the tender age of twelve, I met my Romeo. The problem was quite literally Shakespearean in nature. In order to not disclose his identity that will be his name. Unfortunately, "Tybalt" and "Mercutio" played their parts well. All I can say, is age seventeen he took me to my "ball". I kicked off my shoes, placed my feet on his and waltzed for hours. Who said the tango is the sexiest dance? The sexiest dance is the one you feel comfortable with. Right place, right time. All that schmaltzy stuff they write romance novels about. Even wild orchids eventually wither and die. In my case? I lost it long before midnight. The corsage! "IT" was the orchid on my wrist. I kept the rest. Knees crossed with fingers crossed behind my back. 😉

L.G.B.T.Q. A+

Now, I'm not ashamed to say, despite having lost at love, in the meantime I was getting sweaty on the basketball court. I never imagined that compliment from a teammate would impress and embarrass to such an extent 😳.

Age fifteen. Holy crap, she was looking at me!

Rollercoaster twenties from 1997.

Now the title is all I should mention, but I think that would be a tease. If I can get over my anxiety and declare:

Most of my high-school friends were either married, expectant, or sometimes both. My new friends were students. Our group was exclusive for one MAIN reason. We all had different major's - mostly science, medicine, and physics, but we had our fair share of drama, film, literature, and music swots as well. From first year to PhD. We fuelled each other. Tony was a physics geek seeking the best way to blast the world to pieces. The twenty-seven-year-old Russian was doing his third PhD in engineering. I was a geneticist who played the lead role in M. H's adaptation of "A clockwork orange". Nazreen stayed shy; as only an Indian girl could. Ashleigh married her software engineer. And then there was Jackie. We do not mention her. Marie went back to Nigeria.

The band broke up. Except for three of us. Me, him, and his other lover. (Another him?).

Can I point fingers at any man when I'm the one who always puts "possible liaisons" in the FRIEND ZONE?

*Thanks for the memories my classy posse. And fare thee well. Some of the best times in my life. Still glad it is over.

Now, almost two decades later I can only say:

And for the younger reader:

May I add that you actually stop trying to explain yourself. Guess I'm still an innocent! Or I peeked at maturity and thought BORING!

Moving on to "Father Figure" phase - you know the good ones. Sure, they have aged (so have I) but, who else will look at me as I just fell off a X-mas tree? The money they can keep. As long as they hold on to me too (❁´◡`❁)

Resigner

Where hope lives. 💜

What can I say?